His grave
by Malicia Nocturna
Summary: Buffy's thoughts at the end of the episode "Chosen". Buffy's POV, BS


Title: His grave

Author: Malicia Nocturna

Rating: I'm not sure… PG-13 

Disclaimer: Characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer belong to Joss Whedon etc… the story is mine.

Pairings: B/S sort of

Feedback: yes please :]

Distribution: Sure, ask first

Timing: After/In the end of Chosen

Spoilers: If you haven't seen the episode Chosen then don't read this fic.

Summary: Buffy's POV, dark thoughts… 

I sit on a bench in this crappy bus. We have stopped here, right next to the crater.

I don't look back. 

I can't.   
The hole in the ground is a grave and I have never liked looking into open graves. 

So many of us died.

I didn't, but I've died twice before.

It wasn't my time today. Will there ever be my time?

I look at Faith, how she is holding hands with principal Wood. 

Robin.

They look so good together. Faith smiles at him and gives him a kiss.

They don't mourn the ones that fell. 

Maybe it's the arrogance that keeps them together. Maybe they are in love.

I don't care. Faith has never known true love like I have. I hope Robin makes her happy. 

Does she deserve happiness? 

At least she holds on to the man who cares for her.

She has the chance of happiness.

I had my chance too. I realized it too late.

Faith is beautiful. She is like a sculpture or a painting. She is the dark one, the dark side of me. 

Maybe I should have been darker…. If I had fought harder, been harder, would the Potentials be alive now? 

Would **he be alive now?**

When Faith fights she dances. I envy her smooth movements and endless desire to win, to be the best. Maybe she should have taken my position years ago. 

I feel responsible for everything that happened to her. But I can't help her anymore.

Somehow I feel sorry for her.

I wish I could love her like a sister. 

But the time for those feelings is long gone.

I let my eyes wander to Dawn. She sits quietly, her slim body is covered with bruises.

Sometimes I feel like I've betrayed her. I wish I could say something to comfort her but I can't.

There is a dark hole inside my soul and it prevents me from speaking.

Xander is looking at me, trying to make an eye contact with me. I don't want to look at him, I don't see him as my friend anymore, he is just one of my many failures. I have tried so hard to push my guilt away but it's overwhelming. He lost his eye because of me. And he lost the love of his life because of me. Because of my mistakes and lack of strength. I know he blames me, but he loves me too much to show it. I can't look at him.

Feels like they all are expecting me to say something. They are hurt, tired, afraid.

They need something to hold on to, comforting words, warmth.

I can't give them anything anymore.

I buried my inner fire with him. 

I step out of the bus.  I try to avoid looking at it, the grave, but my feet are dragging me towards it. 

I stand on the edge of the crater and spread my arms. I close my eyes and for a moment I believe I can fly. 

I think about what it would be like to lean forward and let myself fall. This hole in the ground would become my grave too, I could share it with the one I love. Maybe I could finally rest.

I could easily lean forward until my feet wouldn't touch the ground anymore. I could let the crater suck me in, smash me to the ground and take my life. 

My soul would find his soul and we could spend the eternity together somewhere far away from this world. 

The sun is burning me, it's too hot. I have lived in the shadows for so long that I don't tolerate the direct sunlight anymore. I am a part of the darkness. All the things that I've loved have been more or less directly connected to the darkness; Slaying, Angel, my friends, Giles and his mysterious past, Spike…

I open my eyes and fight back the tears.

Spike.

This is his grave, this hole in the ground, this shattered memory of my home.

This reminder of my biggest battle. 

I have made many mistakes, but leaving him there was the worst. I'm sure I could have done something to save him. Now I am just the Slayer that failed. 

I can't see this as a victory when the one that I love is dead. 

The First Evil is gone and I should be too. I have lived longer than any other Slayer before me, I have already died twice, I have known the death and yet I live. 

I should be there on the bottom of the crater. I should have helped Spike out and died instead of him. At least he would have known that I love him truly. 

The others have followed me, they are all standing on the edge of the crater, staring straight at the grave. Some of them are holding hands. Some of them are standing alone.

I know that for the rest of my life I will be standing alone.

The one who I wanted to stand here with is gone.

"What did this?" Giles asks.

"Spike did," I reply quietly.

Giles looks surprised.  He has never believed in Spike, maybe he saw some potential but he didn't trust Spike. 

"He saved us," Giles says. His voice is full of admiration. It's too late now, he should have admired him earlier, helped him, cared for him. Maybe Spike would have survived with the help of my Watcher. I should have done something to make them trust each other.

It all comes down to this; I blame myself. 

Giles turns to face the others.

"Spike saved us," he says quietly. I can see them nodding and murmuring to each other.

"Spike is a hero," Willow declares and smiles.   
How can she smile on a moment like this?

I wonder if I will be able to smile ever again. 

Giles is smiling too.

"Yes, Spike is a hero," he says.

"And I love him," I say quietly but loud enough. They heard what I said.

I can see shock in their faces. Dawn is the only one who doesn't look confused. 

I clear my throat and look at all of them in the eyes. I can see disbelief and confusion, shock and even sadness. 

Are they sad because I love a vampire and not a human or because the vampire I love is dead?  
"I love him," I say with a clear and loud voice, I emphasize every word to make sure that they will never forget what I say.

I turn back to the crater, half expecting Spike to jump up from there.

But he won't jump. He won't appear ever again. 

"I love you," I whisper to the crater, hoping him to hear me, and close my eyes again.

I spread my arms wide open, I feel a small breeze on my hair and hope it to be a message from Spike. I lean forward, dangerously, ready to jump and fall.

My heart is beating faster than ever before and my soul is yearning for the final peace. 

But I don't jump because Spike would want me to live. 


End file.
